I’m chuffed that you agreed to be my Best Man. From the moment we met on that school rugby field many beers ago, you captured (and crunched) a very important part of me to stop me from touching down a try. It was the start of a special relationship. Even if you didn’t get that close to me again until that weekend in Ibiza.
But I’m writing this email to you about another person who means the world to me – Faye. This wedding means everything to her (and to me), and your Best Man speech is a much-anticipated part of the proceedings. Yes, you’re making the speech, but the day really belongs to me and Faye. And so, if I may be so bold, I’d like to lay down a few ground rules.
Let’s start with the positives. I’m not in the least bit worried about your confidence. I’ve seen you do two Best Man speeches before. And if nothing else, they were delivered with confidence. You’ve got a fine set of lungs on you, Cruncher. A veritable Brian Blessed. Remember that time you stopped a Sainsbury’s lorry just by shouting at it?
You’re funny, too. As you remind us all every time you move onto your fifth pint. And yes, I’m sure there are those who agree that you could be an asset presenting Have I Got News For You. Thing is, in that role, you don’t come up with your own material, whereas I’d like you to have a go at just that on my Big Day.
The internet is a wonderful thing, Cruncher. But I’ve been to a few weddings in my time, and I’ve heard more than enough ‘sucking on a dummy’ or ‘going to Bangor’ gags. I’m not saying you can’t rib me. Even my 90 year-old Auntie Eve would feel cheated if you didn’t mock me a bit. But it’d be great if, rather than crib some random lines from the www, you could make the jokes relate to my life. Like that time at the pub quiz when I thought Sierra Leone was a make of hatchback. Or when we first met playing rugby, and you lived up to your name. Funny, truthful anecdotes are a sure-fire winner.
You may have noticed that I just said that funny, truthful anecdotes are a sure-fire winner. But there are some things in a man’s life that should remain between him and his closest friends. Like that Saturday night in Ibiza. Or the stag do. I don’t know what you have planned, but I’m guessing it involves a cheap as chips flight to Ljubljana at six in the morning, a crate of iffy vodka, and very few UNESCO World Heritage sites. Even if I somehow get through the stag with some dignity intact, it’s best not to bang on about it. Only the crème de la crème have been invited, and I don’t want anyone at the wedding feeling left out.
By now, hopefully you’ve realised that your speech is mainly about me, not you. Naturally, you’re going to crop up in one or two stories, but try not to make the whole thing about us. Ask around for anecdotes from my mates, my family, and even Faye. Just make sure you’re not treading on the toes of the other speech-makers.
There’s one other person you definitely need to mention, and that’s Faye. Her dad is going to gush about her for 30+ minutes (and I’ll say a couple of nice things about her too). But I’d appreciate it if you would do a few of your own words about how she’s a great girl, and how we’re so right for each other. For goodness’ sake though, keep it clean.
After all the effort I know you’re going to put into this speech, it would be a shame for it to end up on YouTube as one of those ‘Worst Best Man’ speeches. Like the last two did. So if you could find it in yourself to stick to the above, you’d be doing me a huge favour.
And if it all seems like a bit too much responsibility, I suggest you call these guys who can help you put your words into something pretty special. But they have not (and I stress that they definitely have not in any way) helped me with my groom speech.